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Löysin tämän George Duken kotisivuilta. Tunnistatko itsesi..

 
The Cast of Characters
Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and
composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt. They are usually bald.
They should have big hands, but often don't. They were social rejects as adolescents. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers.
 
Bassists are not terribly smart. The best Bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During their better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an
animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always
bent over awkwardly. If you talk to them during a break, you will not be
able to tell whether they are listening.
 
Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A
drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic.
Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes told about them, most of which
stem from the fact that they aren't really musicians. Pianists are
particularly successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are
highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to
the drummer during a break, always be careful not to sneak up on him.
 
Saxophonists think that they are the most important players on the stage.
Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the
Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and
Bird. They like to take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak
half-way through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly
while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. If you talk to a
saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.
 
Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often
former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very attractive to women,
despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing. Misguided
critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending
whether they're black or white. Arrive at the session early, and you may get
to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are: play as loud and as high
as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest. If you
talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that his favorite
player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.
 
Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Guitarists hate piano players because
they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing as
fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp.
Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his
loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist's universe crumbles because he
is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks
his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to
suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he'll ask
intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister.
 
Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They go to
sessions in order to test musicians' capacities for suffering. They are not
of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example: A young woman is
playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus
newspaper critic describes her singing as "..jazzy." Voila! A star is born!
Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," Summertime," and "Route 66." Her
training complete, she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians
flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the
full fury of the jazz universe.
 
Singers generally spend a lot of time hanging around the piano player trying
to find out what key they sing in. Even after years of attending sessions
they never know. But they usually wear push-up bras, so who cares? The
vocalist will try to seduce you, and the rest of the audience, by making eye
contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO
NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious. Otherwise
the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk
to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her "manager."
 
There are also a few male jazz singers but they never go to jam sessions.
They generally spend a lot of time and money on their wardrobe and hair.
The end of the last vocal chorus is usually a disaster as nobody (even he
singer) knows how to take the tune out. Will he/she come in at the bridge
after the solos, repeat the last 8 bars or hold the last note? For how long?
Or try for the highest note in his/her range & hope that it will be
somewhere on the chord? Sometimes you can tell he/she is going out by
closing his/her eyes and raising his/her arms to a crucifixion position.
 
The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality. "Listen," it
seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?"
Trombonists come to a gig burdened with a long musical tradition of comedy
effects. Only the bassoon has such a history - but bassoonists seldom come
to jam sessions. Today trombonists like to play fast, because their notes
become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Some trombonists
played trumpet in their early years, then decided that they didn't want to
walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet
players, who somehow still get most of the women despite this facial
disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces.
They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody really
needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he'll ask you
for a gig, try to sell you a mutual fund or offer to help you set up a web
site.
 
Picking the Next Tune
Every time a tune ends, someone has to pick a new one.
That's a fundamental concept that, unfortunately, runs at odds with jazz
group processes. Tune selection makes a huge difference to the musicians.
They love to show off on tunes that feel comfortable, and they tremble at
the threat of the unknown. But to pick a tune is to invite close scrutiny:
"So this is how you sound at your best. Hmm.." It's a complex issue with
unpredictable outcomes. Sometimes no one wants to pick a tune, and sometimes
everyone wants to pick a tune. The resulting disagreements lead to
faction-building and under extreme conditions even impromptu elections. The
politics of tune selection makes for some of the session's best
entertainment.
 
Example 1: No one wants to pick a tune (previous tune ends) (silence).
Trumpet player: "What the f#@*? Is someone gonna to pick a tune?" (silence).
Trumpet player: "This s%!* is lame. I'm outa here." (Storms out of room,
forgetting to pay tab). Rest of band (in unison): "Yes!" (Band takes
extended break, puts drinks on trumpet player's tab.)
 
Example 2: Everyone wants to pick a tune, resulting in impromptu election
and eventual tune selection. Tune ends. Pianist and guitarist
simultaneously): "Beautiful Love!"/"Donna Lee!". Guitarist to pianist: "You
just want to play your fat, stupid ten-note chords!" Pianist to guitarist:
"And you just want to play a lot of notes really fast!" Saxophonist: "'Giant
Steps'." (a treacherous Coltrane tune practiced obsessively by
saxophonists). Guitarist and pianist (together): "Go ahead, airhead."
Trumpet player: "This s@#% is really lame..'Night in Tunisia'." (A Dizzy
Gillespie tune offering bounteous opportunities for loud, high playing.)
Saxophonist: "Sorry, I forgot my earplugs, Maynard." (long, awkward
silence). Pianist, guitarist, saxophonist, trumpet player all turn to
drummer: "Your turn, Skinhead." Drummer pauses to think of hardest possible
tune playable at fastest tempo; a time-tested drummer ploy to punish real
musicians who play actual notes. "Stablemates." Trumpet player: F#@* this!
I'm outta here." Storms out of room. Bartender chases after him. Band
attempts "Stablemates" Trombonist decides that this would be the ideal time
to disassemble his horn and clean his slide. Not only are these
disagreements fun to watch; they create tensions that will last all through
the night. As an educated audience member, you might want to keep a flow
chart diagramming the shifting alliances. You can also keep statistics on
individual tune-calling. Under no circumstances, though, should you take
sides or yell out song titles. Things are complicated enough already.
 
PS: I'll add one. Occasionally a European musician sits in. If he wants
to sing..let him. If you are lucky he'll sing "I'm left my farts in Sandman
Disco." If you speak to him during a break, try phonetics. If you are a
piano player accompanying any vocalist make the following suggestion:
"Start the tune in F major. At bar 3, go to Bminor. Take the bridge in 7/4
time and end the tune a sixth up with two ritards" If the vocalist says that
it can't be done..just say "You managed to do it last week."