Lyriikka ›

Be the one I love / Come Clarity
 
Tässä hieman oopperaa ja G-mollivirttä sisältävä balladi.
 
The darkness around me and you
Is hard to bear all alone
Together we can last it through
Till the dawn comes shining through the stone
 
To be the one I love you have to care for me
Care as much as I care for you
To be the one I need you also have to need me
As much as I need you beside me
 
I will be your torch of hope and love
I will be there for you
The moon and the star above you
Show you way back into your home too
 
To be the one I love you have to care for me
Care as much as I care for you
To be the one I need you also have to need me
As much as I need you beside me
 
To be the one I love
You have to be around me
To be the one I care for
You have to be around me
 
And love me until the sun falls down on me
I love you until my days all fade into the blue
Come walk with me until it's so dark that I can't see
I'll show you the guiding light through darkness around you

Come clarity, Eb-duurissa, jatkoa kyseiselle biisille. Ajatus soitettavaksi tässä järjestyksessä. Tähän tulisi sähköurut ja synajouset eli gospel-henkinen balladi.
 
Come clarity through my eyes of blue
Through my tears and the misery
Oh, won't you please do shine down on me
Oh, please come to me Come to me come to me
Oh, please come to me Come to me come to me
Oh, please come to me
 
My life has been so sad without you
I've been waiting for you all my life through
And now that you're right here beside me
I don't want to lose you to the world of pain
 
I've been lost in the darkness around me
Somehow I can feel that you make me see
That my future becomes brightened soon
And bright like the moon and stars my love remains
 
Oh, oh, oh, oh, come on
 
Come clarity through my eyes of blue
Through my tears and the misery
Oh, won't you please do shine down on me
Oh, please come to me Come to me come to me
Oh, please come to me Come to me come to me
Oh, please come to me
 
Tranquility

Kommenttini (ei kritiikkini, nämä ovat mitä ystävällisimpiä ehdotuksia joita saa käyttää jos haluaa, ei ole pakko). Myönnän että toisten lyriikoiden kommentointi on aina hankalaa kun ei tiedä mikä kokemus tai tarina voikaan liittyä tekstiin, on aina vaara että särkee itse toisen taiteellisen vision. Mutta koetetaan nyt muodostaa palautteen antamisen perinnettä tähän foorumin osioon omalta osalta.
 
The darkness around me and you
Is hard to bear all alone
Together we can start a new___(sanan through toisto kahdessa rivissä, korvasin esim. lauseella tätä voisi miettiä)
Till the dawn comes shining through the (shining through the stone, vähän nihkeää, entä through the dark? through the mist? the night?)

To be the one I love you have to care for me
Care as much as I care for you
To be the one I need you have to need me too (nyt, too ja you olisivat riimipari, tosin nyt you toistuu kahden rivin lopussa)
As much as I need you

I will be your torch of hope and love
I will be there for you
The moon and the star above you
Show you the way back to your home (lisäsin artikkelin "the" -->"the way")

To be the one I love
you must be there for me (romanttisempi kliseisempi "be there for me", "being around" on vähän etäinen määritelmä suhteelle)
To be the one I care for
you must be there for me
 

And love me until the sun falls down on me (entä jos "sun" sijasta taivas "sky" putoaa niskaan, sehän on tuttu idiomi "the sky falls down on me")
I love you 'til my days all fade into the blue
Come walk with me until it's so dark that I can't see (Walk beside me till we're too blind to see?)
I'll show you the guiding light through darkness around you
 
Myös...
I love you 'till my days turn to sleep
walk beside me, and see what I've seen
I will guide you through, when darkness surrounds you...
 
Tietenkin, musiikki, tahtien määr yms. sanelee aina paljon.

Toiseen vielä pari juttua:
 
Come clarity through my eyes of blue
Through my tears and misery (määräinen 'the' lienee tarpeeton tässä, ellei musiikki vaadi)
Oh, won't you please shine down on me (do, informaation kannalta redundantti sana)
Oh, please come to me Come to me come to me
Oh, please come to me Come to me come to me
Oh, please come to me

My life has been so sad without you (sad, ei sanana herätä suuria tunteita nykyään,
miten ois "empty", jättäisin myös "so" pois jos ei halua painottaa surua tai muuta tunnetta)
I've been waiting for you all my life through (all through my life?)
And now that you're right here beside me
I don't want to lose you to the world of pain (to a world of pain, käyttäisin itse)

I've been lost in the darkness around me
Somehow I can feel that you make me see (can pois, I feel that you make me see on riittävä)
That my future becomes brightened soon (that you brighten up my future)
And bright like the moon and stars my love remains (remains sijaan, kun puhuttiin
kirkkaudesta lauseen alussa, ehkä my love "shines through")

dts9624: Toiseen vielä pari juttua:
 
Come clarity through my eyes of blue
Through my tears and misery (määräinen 'the' lienee tarpeeton tässä, ellei musiikki vaadi)
Oh, won't you please shine down on me (do, informaation kannalta redundantti sana)
Oh, please come to me Come to me come to me
Oh, please come to me Come to me come to me
Oh, please come to me

My life has been so sad without you (sad, ei sanana herätä suuria tunteita nykyään,
miten ois "empty", jättäisin myös "so" pois jos ei halua painottaa surua tai muuta tunnetta)
I've been waiting for you all my life through (all through my life?)
And now that you're right here beside me
I don't want to lose you to the world of pain (to a world of pain, käyttäisin itse)

I've been lost in the darkness around me
Somehow I can feel that you make me see (can pois, I feel that you make me see on riittävä)
That my future becomes brightened soon (that you brighten up my future)
And bright like the moon and stars my love remains (remains sijaan, kun puhuttiin
kirkkaudesta lauseen alussa, ehkä my love "shines through")
 
Ok, empty sopii so sadin tilalle. Mutta melodian takia on vaikea ajatella tuota "that you brighten up my future"-kohtaa. "love shines through" sopisi.
Kiitos vinkeistä.